Clients starting the mediation process often ask me how long it takes to get divorced. This is a complicated question. Getting divorced is a lot of emotional work, but also a quite a bit of intellectual and administrative work. Feelings need to be processed, finances ned to be organized, property needs to be divided, custody plans need to be developed, and there is a lot of paperwork to do. There are four main factors that will impact how long the process will be. Answering the questions below, will start to give you a sense of how long your divorce might take.

Are both parties emotionally ready to get divorced?

When couples come to see me for mediation, it is very typical that one spouse has been considering divorce for a long time, sometimes many, many years, while the other spouse has found the marriage, if not perfectly happy, comfortable and satisfying. Obviously these two spouses have very different feelings about getting divorced. One is eager to move on, and perhaps has already moved on emotionally and physically, while the other may be grieving the end of the marriage. Not surprisingly, the spouse who is in mourning may be reluctant to move the process along. Therapy can be very helpful for processing the emotions around divorce. As a mediator I also help support clients as they navigate this difficult transition. Usually it just takes some time for both parties to be ready to begin the process. Sometimes that can be weeks, months, or even years. If either party is not emotionally ready to start the divorce process, it can be difficult to have any traction because active cooperation is required to get through the administrative aspects of divorce, I.e. the paperwork. If one party simply refuses to participate in the divorce process, there are legal strategies for forcing the process along, however that is a lengthy and expensive approach. If the parties are willing to participate, even reluctantly, that will speed up the process. 

Are your finances organized?

Divorce is a little bit like filing taxes or taking a trip to the DMV, you need to get your paperwork together. For divorce, that means doing a full accounting of all assets and debts. Everything. That means determining the balance in every savings, checking and money market account, and tracking down 401Ks and IRAs. It also may require getting various assets appraised— most obviously any real estate, but also possibly art, jewelry or an ownership stake in a business. Depending on where you are getting divorced, you may even need to get a handle on likely inheritance. If you signed a pre or post nuptial agreement, you need to find that as well and see what it says. If you have a job with a pension, that also needs to be part of the accounting. It can take quite a while to pull that information together. Again, it requires the cooperation of both spouses to build out a complete financial picture. Having this information is not just helpful, but most states require financial affidavits (sworn statements regarding net worth) to get divorced. If your finances are complex, disorganized, or both, then it will take longer to get divorced. 

Do you have children?

People getting divorced who have children still living at home must tackle many other issues. The first issue is developing a parenting plan or custody agreement. That is an agreement detailing where the children will live on a day to day, month to month, basis. This plan will probably change over time to meet the needs of the children as they get older. It may also change depending on the parents’ schedules. The custody agreement will also detail who is making educational and health decisions for the child, they may be made jointly or one parent may be in charge of those decisions. Religious education may also be considered. The cost of raising children is also something that is tackled as part of the divorce. There is child support- a monthly payment made to one parent by the other, that is intended to cover the cost of food and shelter. Then there are all the “extras” like clothing, health care, tuition for private schools or camps, fees for sports leagues or music lessons, daycare or child care costs, smart phones, computers, and so on, culminating in last, but actually MOST expensive, college tuition. Working through all the issues relating to coparenting after a divorce is very challenging. Typically the agreement is just a starting point in an ongoing discussion about how best to coparent. If the parties can work on these issues collaboratively, then the divorce process will move more quickly. If there’s is a lot of friction and disagreement around how to raise the children, this is going to take some time work out.

If you are considering divorce, or have begun the process, these are the questions to think about as you prepare for the process. I have completed entire divorce agreements within a month after just a few meetings, I have had other clients who took a couple of years to complete the process. Just like every marriage is different, every divorce is different, but these questions should give you perspective on what your process might look like.